quietly defying the odds

There is something that I’ve been trying to put my finger on lately. It has to do with the stigma around being ‘fat’ – one that is hard to outgrow and outrun. It also has to do with the lack of credit people who are in the process of weight loss receive for the hard work (mental and physical) that goes into changing the body, habits, lifestyle, etc.

I have a friend who quit smoking 2 weeks ago – ONLY two weeks ago – who talks about herself now as an ‘ex-smoker’. I am extremely proud of her for her efforts, knowing that this will most definitely alter her life for the better and give her a reasonable chance of escaping lung disease as she ages. People on facebook, in our friend group, and from elsewhere were congratulating her and giving her a techno high-five for having ‘kicked the habit’, and for some reason I found myself feeling frustrated and envious. I took a moment to reflect on the source of my sour emotions, and discovered something that needed my attention…

Losing weight (getting ‘un-fat’) is a process that does not involve a lot of credit or encouragement from the outside world. Why? Because if you are going about it the slow and steady way that doesn’t involve crash diets, overexercise, surgery, or other forms of masochism, your weight loss and the mental hurdles you overcome are most likely not very obvious to those around you.

Four years ago I decided I was going to get truly healthy, kick the overeating habits, the self sabotage, overcome the fears, get active, etc, but I don’t remember anyone congratulating me for being ‘ex-weighted’ 2 weeks later. No – that never ever happened! Why? Because even though I was ‘doing the stuff’ that leads to being healthy, I was still – for all intents and purposes – a fat girl.

That’s one of the reasons I so desperately needed this blog! I needed a place I could go to explain my process; to journey with others; to have people witness what I was going through and how it was affecting me. I needed a place to go where at least *some* people (that’s you!) would see that I was, indeed, quietly defying the odds.

Now, 50-ish lb lighter and nearly 4 years into blogging (with many weight fluctuations along the way), the people in my community and family do notice the physical and psychological changes that I am now embodying. It wasn’t until it was truly physically noticeable, however, that I received much credit for the years and years of commitment I have been putting into the process. Sad but true.

If you find yourself in that position today, I want to tell you something – something very very very important!!

I. See. You.

I am with you in spirit.

I know that there are moments when you’ve wanted to give up, give in, sabotage, derail, and you stood your ground…and no one saw it.

I know that you got all dressed up for the party after losing 10 lb, feeling so beautiful (or handsome) and healthier than you’ve ever been…and very few people paid you a compliment.

I know that you listen to your breath getting short, and you feel your muscles start to ache, and you keep on going, tired but triumphant, after another arduous workout of some kind or another… even though there’s not a single person around to congratulate you when you get back home!

I know you are quietly defying the odds –  just like me.

So, keep on doing what you’re doing. Seek the people who are on the same journey as you and acknowledge the crap out of each other! That’s why we come to these weight loss blogs – we need to support one another.

Thank you for being here to witness me. I want to witness you as well! If you read this and want to share anything in particular, please comment with your blog post, success story, or something inspirational that you’d like to share! I can’t wait to hear it!

Ovr’N’Out

October 1 – cleanse is over – let me just say…

Okay. So, it’s been 30 days since I started the Isagenix cleanse. I stopped posting after day 11 because I just wanted to ride it out and see what would happen; if I would lose more weight, if I would be able to maintain the 2 shakes/1 meal a day thing, and the program in general. Good call, Amber…

Here’s the reality – I only made it to day 22 before my world came crashing down and the romance period with this cleanse ended. Why, you ask? I. Got. Super. Duper. Sick. And. Also. Got. The. Worst. Period. Ever.

For reals.

First of all, let me say that I did not get sick BECAUSE of Isagenix – I just…got sick. After being surrounded by a couple of sick roomies, and a sick boyfriend, it was bound to happen, and it did. Strep throat (like really bad), and fever, and then head cold, and I was pretty much in bed and trying to keep it together for most of the week. The cleanse and exercise regime went out the window once the antibiotics came on the scene and my sleep schedule got super wonky. Oh, and then there was the reactive eating because the pendulum of discipline swung the opposite direction, so I started getting into some high calorie comfort food last week c/o of my Spanish lover/personal chef (that’s not even a joke). I put the lid on it pretty quick, but it was a slip for sure.

All of this to say, Isagenix is obviously a great product/system. I did lose 15 inches off my body and lost 7 lbs in the first couple of weeks. Five of those pounds were pounds I had gained back (from 154 to 159), minus 2 pounds after that,  so I’m at 152! That makes me happy, regardless of the fact that I wasn’t able to complete the entire 30 days of cleansing, I know that that first highly disciplined and motivated 2 weeks really got the job done of detoxing my body and getting me out of my plateau. The increased energy I felt also got me jogging again, which I am continuing to do. Just went for a 3 km jog this morning! It was tough because of having been sick and out of commission for the past while, but I know I can do it now, and that makes all of the difference.

I’ve come to the conclusion that, due to my personal makeup and just the way I live my life, any rigid system of dieting or long term cleansing is an extreme challenge for me. I am not a highly disciplined person, although I am a very hard working and persevering person. I can accomplish a lot, but it doesn’t always come through the system that makes the most sense. I’ve come to terms with that fact – I kind of dance to the beat of my own drum. Always have and always will. 🙂

Isagenix was not really my kinda beat, I don’t think. It sure did make me feel awesome though, but it is not something I could sustain for any length of time or really be passionate enough about to stand behind and sell to the masses. Just being real here!

Also, I realized something very important in this whole process – real food is important to me, and my relationship with food is important to me. I want to have a good relationship with food. I want to plan meals that are healthy, cook, create, bake, share meals with others, celebrate the beauty of food – that’s part of who I am. Doing meal replacements became so very very lackluster after 10 or so days; something was missing! Also, I felt like if I wanted to really subscribe to the Isagenix lifestyle, it would become almost a codependent relationship with the products and without them I would be lost. No offences, Isagenix, but that’s how my brain processed it.

The challenge for me still is to refine and balance my relationship with food. I continue to struggle with overeating, portion control, and impulse eating from time to time, and yet I am probably about 80% healthier and more in control than I was 2 or 3 years ago. Progress has been made – big progress – and I feel like if I keep at it I will eventually have a relationship with REAL FOOD that is REALLY HEALTHY and also satisfying on a personal, culinary and social level. That’s the goal for me. Isagenix is just not a good fit in that sense! Me and food still gots shit ta work out!

So, that is my update. I keep it real, peeps! I often fail at things or don’t complete them because I change my mind or give up. But you know what I love and appreciate about myself?????

I never ever stop growing or trying, I let my failures teach me, and I always find my way to the things that matter to me…even if it’s a bit of a windy road.

I went for a 3 km jog this morning, drank my probiotic greens, took my omega-3-6-9s, vitamin D drops, antibiotics (ew – so strange to take probiotics and antibiotics in the same day!) and I’m eating a real yummy fall apple right now! However, about 15 minutes ago, I also ate an amazingly good handmade peanut butter cup that I purchased from a chocolatier at Lonsdale Quay Market yesterday afternoon…

And that’s how I roll. If you wanna pretend like you’ve never eaten chocolate for breakfast, go right ahead. I’ll be honest for the both of us instead! Hee hee!

😉

Ovr’N’Out!

Amber

staying healthy and focused during times of high stress

Well, the topic of this post is more like a goal I have set for myself today.  I realize that there is a pattern in my life of stressful times interrupting my healty routines and throwing me off for weeks on end, and I am determined to reverse it.

When I start to experience increased stress and burden in my everyday life, for whatever reason ( i.e. work, relationships, illness, etc) the first thing that seems to get threatened is my self care and health.  The tendency is for me to give up exercise and healthy eating during high stress times even though they usually  DECREASE my stress in very tangible ways.  I think there is a dysfunctional formula running through my mind when I’m stressed out that equates exercise and healthy eating with requiring too much Effort…with a capital E.   I then feel the need to drop them for a while in order to reduce my stress, which is generally the combination of too many things requiring too much effort in a short period of time!  It makes sense to drop some things when you’re stressed in order to relax a bit and start feeling better, but it doesn’t make sense to drop the things that keep you healthy and better able to handle challenges. Haha. Just another insidious version of self sabotage.

This week I am still trying very hard to recover from the exhausting and emotionally trying two-week period I just experienced, and it’s so much harder because I dropped the ball with exercise and healthy eating and now have to pick it up again after losing momentum.  I had to reckon with myself today and acknowledge that I have to build that momentum again slowly because I feel physically and mentally drained right now and don’t feel able to jump right back in.  I have therefore had to simplify my health goals this week to light exercise as much as I can fit in before Sunday and simply reducing my calories wherever possible to prevent any weight gain.

On the plus side, I seem to be getting better at taking care of myself and being gentle with myself when it’s needed in order to get stronger and eventually back into routine!  But, as I have explained, I think there is a lot of merit to me finding better ways of coping with stress in the long run!

I am going to take the next couple of months to pay close attention to my stress patterns and my health choices and hope to achieve a better sense of balance.  I don’t like this whole losing momentum business.  It is very frustrating and feels wasteful, if you know what I mean.

More on this as I grow in it!

🙂

Over’N’Out