feeling fierce!

I just feel fierce today! A good feeling. I am in the beginning phases of training for the Vancouver Sun Run (small 10 km ) in April, and have been jogging in the early morning. I live in a small mountain town, and the moon has been out at the time that I jog, illuminating the nearby mountaintops covered in snow. It has been glorious to be present with that natural beauty each morning. I had tears in my eyes on my way home – actual joy tears! I am so grateful.

And here’s a recent pic of the Fierce One! Getting smaller…and expanding…simultaneously. That’s me, people. šŸ˜‰

PicsArt_1389631396091

 

Ovr’N’Out!

 

Advertisements

quietly defying the odds

There is something that I’ve been trying to put my finger on lately. It has to do with the stigma around being ‘fat’ – one that is hard to outgrow and outrun. It also has to do with the lack of credit people who are in the process of weight loss receive for the hard work (mental and physical) that goes into changing the body, habits, lifestyle, etc.

I have a friend who quit smoking 2 weeks ago – ONLY two weeks ago – who talks about herself now as an ‘ex-smoker’. I am extremely proud of her for her efforts, knowing that this will most definitely alter her life for the better and give her a reasonable chance of escaping lung disease as she ages. People on facebook, in our friend group, and from elsewhere were congratulating her and giving her a techno high-five for having ‘kicked the habit’, and for some reason I found myself feeling frustrated and envious. I took a moment to reflect on the source of my sour emotions, and discovered something that needed my attention…

Losing weight (getting ‘un-fat’) is a process that does not involve a lot of credit or encouragement from the outside world. Why? Because if you are going about it the slow and steady way that doesn’t involve crash diets, overexercise, surgery, or other forms of masochism, your weight loss and the mental hurdles you overcome are most likely not very obvious to those around you.

Four years ago I decided I was going to get truly healthy, kick the overeating habits, the self sabotage, overcome the fears, get active, etc, but I don’t remember anyone congratulating me for being ‘ex-weighted’ 2 weeks later. No – that never ever happened! Why? Because even though I was ‘doing the stuff’ that leads to being healthy, I was still – for all intents and purposes – a fat girl.

That’s one of the reasons I so desperately needed this blog! I needed a place I could go to explain my process; to journey with others; to have people witness what I was going through and how it was affecting me.Ā I needed a place to go where at least *some* people (that’s you!) would see that I was, indeed, quietly defying the odds.

Now, 50-ish lb lighter and nearly 4 years into blogging (with many weight fluctuations along the way), the people in my community and family do notice the physical and psychological changes that I am now embodying. It wasn’t until it was truly physically noticeable, however, that I received much credit for the years and years of commitment I have been putting into the process. Sad but true.

If you find yourself in that position today, I want to tell you something – something very very very important!!

I. See. You.

I am with you in spirit.

I know that there are moments when you’ve wanted to give up, give in, sabotage, derail, and you stood your ground…and no one saw it.

I know that you got all dressed up for the party after losing 10 lb, feeling so beautiful (or handsome) and healthier than you’ve ever been…and very few people paid you a compliment.

I know that you listen to your breath getting short, and you feel your muscles start to ache, and you keep on going, tired but triumphant, after another arduous workout of some kind or another…Ā even though there’s not a single person around to congratulate you when you get back home!

I know you are quietly defying the odds – Ā just like me.

So, keep on doing what you’re doing. Seek the people who are on the same journey as you and acknowledge the crap out of each other! That’s why we come to these weight loss blogs – we need to support one another.

Thank you for being here to witness me. I want to witness you as well! If you read this and want to share anything in particular, please comment with your blog post, success story, or something inspirational that you’d like to share! I can’t wait to hear it!

Ovr’N’Out

Just a few blocks away – a poem for those who desire

There are moments

of aloneness

that seem to stretch out

all the way to the horizon

that you cannot see beyond.

There are nights

of disconnection

from anyone or anything

that pull the longing

for love

right out of your chest

and force you to stare it

square in the eyes.

How can we be here

without suffering?

Please know that I ache

just as you do.

I dream big

wild

abundant

dreams

of togetherness

of goodness

of adventures

that havenā€™t yet

been realized.

And in the space

that exists

between now

and what is yet to come

I pray for you

to know you

are loved

you are worthy

you are being considered

by the generous spirit

of life.

Want what you want.

Feel no shame.

And let desire

break you all the way

open.

OPEN.

OPEN.

Let it move you.

Let it shake you.

Let it alter you.

Let it embolden you.

But do not allow it

to cause you suffering.

For if desire brings suffering

it is not desire at all

but doubt in disguise.

Call it what it is.

Call it by name.

DOUBT!

And whisper love

into its very bones.

Whisper,

over and over and over,

You will becomeā€¦

You will becomeā€¦

You will becomeā€¦

until it loosens its grip

on your diaphragm

and you feel deep breath

is possible again.

And in that moment

of aloneness

let your soul feel

the fullness

and the beauty

of your lived desires

anticipating

their happy arrival

with the uncontainable joy

of a child

hearing the telltale melody

of an ice cream truck

just a few blocks away.

Yes, be like a child!

And do not suffer.

Be like a child

and reach out.

Reach out

even farther

beyond that horizon

you struggle to see past

to the place

that circles back around

to exactly where you are

right now.

The place

you always have

and always will

belong

in continuity

with yourself.

In the center of

an abundant universe

that has everything

you desire

in stock.

Like bubble gum ice cream.

Just a few blocks away, my friend.

Just a few blocks.