There’s Still My Joy – Melissa Manchester

A beautiful orignal Christmas song by Melissa Manchester. My heart was incredibly touched by it, and I just wanted to share.

Happy, joyful holidays.

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I am in the process

I just read and was very inspired by a post from Motion and Rest. This woman is HARDCORE awesome, tenacious, realistic, and honest with herself, which is why I love her blog and am so proud of her progress! So, big SHOUT OUT *WOOOOOT!* to Steph for making it happen “in motion” from here all the way to here.

I was just thinking about the good feeling that accompanies looking back on old posts from the beginning of a person’s weight loss blogging to 6 months or a few year later when you see that they have changed their lives by setting and meeting goals, learned a heck of a lot about themselves, and, in the process, lost weight and became  super duper healthy! I love this. I blog and read blogs because of this. It’s so uplifting.

I was feeling a bit frustrated with myself in early December coming to terms with the fact that I had gained weight back, knowing how very hard I had worked to take the weight off! I think I need to forgive myself for this. It was a failure on my part to remember how important it is to my truest self to lose weight and actively pursue health in every aspect of my life. I got distracted…I ALLOWED myself to be distracted, rather.

So self, I’m sorry. You and I have worked really hard to establish some values and protocols  for livimg life and the actions that support them. I remember all of this now, and I’m taking it seriously again.

Sigh. Good to get that off my chest.

On another note, one of the comments from this post  mentions the act of “calling in fat”. Haha. I like that statement a lot, and I definitely relate to it! I have done this many many times, I’m sorry to say. I can’t keep count. The reason being – there is often a lot of shame in being overweight. Not that being overweight in and of itself is shameful, but the assumptions, judgements, and stigmas that go along with being overweight definitely are. A bit too much to handle sometimes, if you ask me, which is why so many overweight people decide to opt out of certain social situations.

I struggle with that feeling today, if I am being honest. I lost weight and now I have gained some (not all!) weight back. What will people think this Christmas? Will they look at me with disappointment thinking, “Oh my, she’s letting herself go again!”? Will they look at what I’m eating and think “she should really put that down and eat some snow instead”, etc etc. I can entertain scenarios ad nauseum, and I know each and every one of us has our own particular brand of insecurity in that regard.

I am consoled by the knowledge that I have processed and confronted the negative voices in my head already, and have arrived at the conclusion that I need to view myself as “in the process” of losing weight and getting healthier, regardless of the ups and down on the scale during said process. That is what will keep me going, and that is what I will answer when people ask me (if they ask me!) why my weight has crept up a little bit. I need not be ashamed.

I am in the process, a process I have not and will not give up on, most importantly. A process that has many elements, as we’ve all discovered along the way; a complex intermingling of emotions that accompanies the choice to break dysfunctional patterns and establish new healthy ones, and the unavoidable ups and downs of the human strengths and weaknesses we all live with in ourselves.

I am in the process of losing weight and my success in this process is not determined by mere numbers on a scale, but by my willingness to accept the need for change and grow whenever it is required of me. 

Ovr’N’Out

Amber

I love to sing…here is a song

For those of you who don’t know already, I really love to sing. I mean I really really love to sing. Wait. I’m not really explaining myself well here…

Deep down in my soul there is a place that has always existed in me from the day of my birth from whence comes endless song and musical inspiration. It is carried through my voice and into the world to exist as beauty.

There, I think that’s what I mean.

The sad part is that I don’t sing as much as I want to or as much as I should ( I really hesitate to use that “should” word too often, but in this case I do feel a sense of “should”).

My creative goal for 2012 is to sing often….to sing with others, to sing alone, to sing in the street, to write down my songs, to record them, and then start sharing my gift with the world. It would be better for the world if I shared my gifts with it and stopped playing small, and it would be better for the world if you shared your gifts with it and stopped playing small too. 🙂

I get the feeling sometimes that I hold back when it comes to music. I tell myself I just don’t have enough time or enough space, or I just feel bogged down emotionally. There’s always something that can get in the way if I let it. But right now, I am feeling peaceful, it is snowing, and I am looking out the window thinking about singing, thinking about beauty, and hoping that that place deep inside of me will break open, just as effortlessly and softly as a snow cloud. Gifts are heavy in their buildup when you don’t use them, and light when you let them flow out of you. That much I have discovered over the years.

I need to unburden myself and let my songs out.

Here is ONE song I recorded with my dad. It’s a cover of Wintersong by Sarah Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson. I’ve shared it with friends on facebook and such, but I’ll share it here too. It’s a beautiful song about winter, missing those you care about, and the hope that love is still alive.  🙂