unburdened – a narrative

Life makes sense to me when I am alone out in nature, when I welcome it as a companion. The trees grow up and up and down and down, higher and deeper; the river moves unceasingly, patiently breaking through the rock as it seeks its destiny in the nearby ocean; the moss covers whatever it can, alive and ever expanding, the proof of the health and life of the forest, and the cougar I know is hiding somewhere in the forest adds that perfect amount of chaos and danger that is so true of life – the element I am slowly learning to accept not with fear, but with humility.

I walk this path every day. Breathing in as deeply as I can, connecting myself to the earth in as much as I know how to. I was born a part of it, planted here like a seed. I don’t know how I came to be, only that this being is a gift, a chance, and I must absorb and become everything I can. I must lend my soul out to this human experience to be used for whatever purpose the Creator has for me. I feel my destiny is sure as I walk down this path, putting one foot in front of the other, knowing where I am headed. There is comfort and solace in that, as simple as it may be to those with more ambitious, more pressing and urgent destinations than the one I have decided on for today. Just….the river. And then I will go back home.

I feel my life here, the whole weight and substance of it. I feel my losses, but they seem natural and perfectly ordered somehow. Another leaf that floats gracefully downward to its final resting place on the ground, feeding the hungry earth. This forest wastes nothing. Everything has a purpose, and the chaos somehow becomes ordered. I can feel the beauty of all of my life’s experiences here, seeing that they all grow into each other, a tangle of roots, always deepening and expanding in the underground of my very person; making me as resilient as I can be.

I sit on a rock beside the river, feet steadied on the ground, eyes closed, wanting to send my pain fast down the river with the current. It reaches out to me like a thousand pairs of willing hands offering to take what my heart is holding onto…if I am willing to let go. And I am. I believe that when there is an end to something, when you have no way to fix or heal or change that thing – whatever it is – that still occupies your heart, it is a gift to be able to let it go, to be done with it…unburdened. There is a tangible compassion in this moment, this gentle exchange – I give my burden to the river, and the river gives me another chance to create space, new space, for the love and understanding I so desire. I wait in stillness for them to trickle in, to fill me up. I am expectant. I am sure.

 

By Amber – April 21, 2012

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Here is a song that just makes me a feel a lot. Enjoy

find me, Ruben Olivares

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spring…blooming with new ideas and focus

Hello again.

It’s been a while, now hasn’t it?! I tend to NOT post or express myself to the world when I am in seasons of transition or change or figuring things out in my personal life, simply because I need to be able to have some private time, some rewiring time, and once I exit from the old and enter into the new, getting familiarized with the place I’m in, I’m ready to write again.

So here I am… all rewired and familiarized, and shit. 😉

What has happened in the last few months? A couple. Of. Things. I will do point form like I did with my return to blogging post after last summer!

*Achem*

– I made a quilt. Yep. I did that.

– I read the Hunger Games series. It was fun to read.

–  I learned how to make chicken pot pie from scratch. From. Scratch. Mmmmmm.

– I wrote 4 new songs. La la la la laaaaaaa.

– I became officially and uneqiovocally single again. Best. Idea. Ever. In. Life. Goodbye. Scorpio. Bullshit. 😉

–  I moved to a new town called Squamish, nestled in the West Coast mountains, where I have a nice biiiig apartment all to myself and Pinto! I am now findings myself doing things like this. Seriously. You should follow that link and watch it if you want to laugh and cry at the same time.

– I made an Easter centerpiece nest out of twigs I collected from the forest and then made speckled brown egg cake pops to place in said twig nest. So fun. I feel like a hippy/elf these days.

– I JOINED PINTEREST. OMG, so many hours have I spent sucked into the Pinterest vortex!!

And, I think those are the major points?

Oh, and I did lose some weight… 6.5 lb so far! This blog is supposed to be a weight loss blog, and yet as you can tell, my approach lately has had more to do with JUST LIVING and allowing myself to be happy; knowing that when that happiness permeates my life and being, weight loss will inevitably follow! For those of you who haven’t read my posts from the past 3 years, having the particular disposition I do (you know, being one of those emotionally  deep, earthy, stubborn, indulgent Taurean women) it is dissatisfaction/depression that has the greatest bearing on my weight being high, and gratefulness/contentment the greatest bearing on my weight being low! It is as simple as that (and also as complicated!).

I think that will be the new direction for this blog – posting about life, what makes me tick, what adds to the joy, happiness, and sense of well being that leads to a healthier me. Being who I am, I find that if I over-focus on one thing in particular, especially something big like WEIGHT LOSS (see how big it is??!), it tends to drag me down instead of lift me up. However, if I invest in all the parts of me that are important and focus on balancing them together, I end up reaching my desired goals, doing what matters to me, and expanding myself in great ways.

And it’s allll about expansion – of the mind, the body, the soul! I should have called this blog “5 foot 2 and expanding” – didn’t quite have that insight at the time! 😉

There are a few things that are truly inspiring and feeding me right now – songwriting, art projects, yoga and cooking! These activities on a daily basis are providing very cathartic outlets for me, enabling me to release stress, emotional toxicity, and stuck feelings in a very very healthy way! I will post some pictures and song files soon, and also some recipes!

Yoga is something I committed myself to this year. I didn’t want to commit myself to a specific class or type, but to the practice of yoga in general; to actually go deep and learn about all of the physical and emotional aspects of yoga that combine to create such a perfect spirit/mind/body balance when continually practiced. I started to read a book called  Yoga Anatomy that explains each posture and its physical impact on the body, which is an amazing read. I’ve also started to study the ancient yoga teachings and have a couple of great DVDs teaching the basic postures, which I am slowly and patiently allowing myself to practice and, one day, master. My new morning routine includes waking up early (an important discipline for me!), taking a long walk by the river with Pinto, and then coming home to do my 6 to 12 sun salutations. I don’t always practice more yoga poses after the sun salutations, but they on their own contribute to such a deep sense of wellbeing and calm. This has brought me through some challenging times, of late! I highly recommend this for anyone who struggles, like I do, with anxiety or depression. It sort of washes it all away at the beginning of your day…you feel fresh and alive and well inside.

So, that is where I am at today – April 12, 2012. I feel very calm and focused. I feel that I am loving myself better than I was a few months ago. I feel grateful to  be alive, to be human, to be awake in my spirit.

And I’m grateful that you took the time to read this!

More to follow.

Ovr’N’Out

Amber