I had a long chat with M last night about my plans and goals for the next year and beyond, and after going on for quite a while about my careful and calculated and detailed idea of how life is going to look for me, he piped up with “just make sure that you make more time to have fun, Amber — sounds to me like you are planning on routine and nothing else…what about being spontaneous, when are you gonna give youself a chance to really live and do what matters to you?” At first I was sort of annoyed and offended and felt defensive about the comment, because I AM planning on having fun, but I need to have a very strict routine to keep myself on the straight and narrow. Right? Of course, right!
But…then after thinking about it some more in the wee hours of the morning, in all reality, I don’t actually do a lot of the fun/meaningful things I WANT to do…like playing and performing music, writing, getting out into nature. M ferquently asks me about this and it’s kind of embarassing. He’ll say things like “you’re a musician, right? So how come I never hear you playing?”. GAH. I love/hate honest feedback like that. I always give him excuses too, mostly along the lines of, “well, I WILL do it, I just don’t have time right now”, to which he slowly nods his head and seems disappointed.
I have traveled, yes, and I played a lot of gigs as a teenager/young adult, saw some great concerts in my life, and have gone on some great outdoor adventures…but none of these have happened often enough, and c’mon, lady, there is so much more! The boyfriend, himself, is a pretty wild guy and has a talent for making life an adventure…sometimes to the point of recklessness (MEN!). I am his opposite, the careful, calculated, responsible one, but I am liking that he is challenging me to loosen up! I suppose that was a bit part of the appeal.
I’ve been working very hard to make money and pay off debt and be responsible and get to the next “stage” of life, if you will. However, there is a part of me that is screaming, “Amber! You’re almost 27 and you’ve barely taken any risks or enjoyed your life in ways that really matter to you!” It’s kind of disheartening. There are things I want to try, places I want to go, songs I want to write. I suppose that this whole working hard and paying off debt is what is GOING to get me there, even in terms have having more downtime eventually, but I also recognize that I have a tendency to hole up in my house and accept the status quo rather than go out into the world and really explore…and I want to change this.
Money is a big part of WHY I don’t do very much. Either I don’t want to spend it because I feel it’s frivolous or I don’t have enough of it when I do want to spend it so I don’t bother. Now I am in a much more stable place financially, but at the same time, a lot of my money is going to a high rent (in order to stay in an apartment that I LOVE TO BITS) and all kinds of “keeping up with the times” costs, like cell phones and credit cards and yada yada yada. So, there still is not as much surplus as there could be if I were to really simplify things. But how to go about this? I know not!
I consider myself pretty low maintenance in the first place, but I think that living in a big city makes simplification kind of a challenge. Therefore, I am going to add this to the “focus” of my life — this simplicity that I am craving; a simplicity that will be a catalyst for having more at my disposal when all is said and done and hence the ability to ENJOY more of the things in life that matter to me. It will also make all of the hard work I am putting into my life mean a lot more. I have been working very hard for years and years, and I want to have something to SHOW for it!
So, on this journey of health and balance, this is another part of my life that is becoming much more important to me — the part where I enjoy myself and make the most of my hard work, mange my money responsibly and allow it to benefit me in the most meaningful ways.
Something for me to work towards. More fun. More spontaneity. More self exploration. Less waste. Less fear. Less hesitation.
Hopefully, this will be the year I step out!