So. As you can probably tell from my posts over the last month, I am in one of life’s more challenging seasons. I don’t resent this, in fact, despite the general discomfort of change, I welcome what is happening in me.
In the midst of many challenges right now, some of them I’ve already mentioned, the biggest one emotionally is breaking up with my boyfriend, one of my best friends, and choosing to be single again. Choosing, being the optimal word.
For those of you who read my blog or know me personally, you know how much this man means to me, and how intense and amazing the last 8 months of our relationship has been. But, as fits the lives of 20-somethings needing to grow up and face reality, we have come to an awareness that we’re both not ready to be in a romantic relationship, as there is much work to be done in our individual lives…much much MUCH too much. At this point, we would be holding each other back from important progress if we stayed together. Thus, we have had to let go of that part of our relationship, separate our living situation, and say goodbye to our dreams for a future together. The untangling process begins once more.
And if I’m being really honest, aside from all the deeper personal truth and wisdom and growing up and self actualization that comes from this kind of choice, IT FUCKING SUCKS, and it’s so fucking hard, and I am going to be sad and miss him for a fucking long time. Yes, this is an appropriate time for expletives.
*deep breath, deep sigh*
Last night I spent some time sitting alone at my front window, looking out at the quiet street, feeling pretty frustrated and sad, and generally disappointed with life. I cried some big crocodile tears, as I heard that little voice in my head saying “start over, Amber, you must allow yourself to start over!”. Oh GAWD. Am I there, AGAIN?
I guess I feel like I’ve run out of “start overs”, cause I’ve been starting over, and over, and over for what feels like years. I’ve gotten stubborn about not wanting to have to do it any more, or perhaps just ashamed of myself for ending up in a position where starting over is once again necessary. But, when all is said and done, I AM ALLOWED TO START OVER as many times as I need to. And this applies to health, to relationships, to finances, to dreams, to art, to everything that matters. I had to remind myself that being at a place where I need to start over again is not something to be ashamed of — on the contrary, it is something to be deeply GRATEFUL for.
As a human being, my choices, my character, my surroundings, my beliefs, my relationships are not static. I am a universe of energy constantly moving and changing, infinitely small and infinitely large. We CAN’T stay the same. Even if we hold on fiercely to “sameness”, there are always things changing around us that we will inevitably need to adapt to; and, truly we ARE creatures of adaptation — sometimes to a frightening degree!
It’s uncomfortable to be faced with change, especially if you feel unsafe, or lonely, or tired, and these are things I HAVE felt on a very deep level ever since I was a young girl — I wasn’t quite ready for the world when I was sent out to face it. Most of the time we hold on to unhealthy parts of ourselves or other people, because, sick as it is, they are familiar and comforting and something that give us a sense of identity or escape. I am ready to forgive myself for meeting those deeper emotional needs and deficiencies in less-than-perfect ways.
I am learning to have compassion for those parts of me that are incomplete, unprepared, lonely, sensitive, afraid, and naive. I am learning to start being my own best friend again, saying things like “you are so strong, and are capable of making the right choices for yourself”, embracing an attitude of moving forward, learning, accepting, and STARTING OVER instead of an attitude of shame and regret….which never seems to lead me anywhere but further disoriented and helpless in whatever shit storm of pain and failure I’ve been stuck in. Ive been far too hard on myself for years, and that’s partly why I’ve struggled to make progress in many areas of my life. Sometimes whipping the horse just makes her move even slower. *light bulb*
So, here I am, starting over again. Allowing my heart to stay open, to embrace being on my own, to be patient with what comes next, to try new things, meet new people, and really release that which has only been weighing me down and making my life less abundant and fulfilling.
On the heels of my crying session last night, after deciding to open up my web browser to put on some emo music (which would have potentially just made me feel much worse and cry even harder!), I came across a video, care of a good friend’s Facebook page, that reminded me about the importance of enjoying my own company, exercising my strengths, listening intently to my thoughts, and utilizing my special gifts once again. It’s a video poem by Canadian poet/musician/writer Tania Davis, called How To Be Alone.
For any of you who find yourself in a similar position to me, I hope you get as much out of this little video as I did. 🙂
And remember….if you are at first lonely….be patient.