I’m just gonna jump right into this one.
I went shopping with M on Sunday as he had a gift certificate to use up at Army & Navy, and he told me that I needed to get a bathing suit to wear when we go to the pool together. PUKE. BARF. HURL MYSELF AT WALL AND FLAIL ON THE GROUND FOR A BIT.
I DO NOT want to be seen in public wearing a bathing suit. In fact, whoever came up with the name bathing suit obviously had no concern for how far off the mark he/she was. Who bathes in a bathing suit?! Not me. Swim, yes. Stand in utter humiliation whilst obsessively contemplating how much cellulite is NOT being covered up by clothes, lovely, hide-me clothes, yes. So I renamed “bathing suit” ‘”living nightmare suit”. Am I that far off the mark? I’m sure many of you have felt or do feel the same way about them. I’ve felt like this for years and haven’t been able to overcome my severe anxiety of wearing them in public…but I KNOW it’s time, even if I feel insecure about it. Darn you, M, and your constant affirmations about how beautiful I am and how I need to flaunt it and be myself and do what I love and enjoy my life whatever size I am! You’re such a terribly wonderful boyfriend!!! 😉
I have quite successfully avoided getting a living-nightmare suit for the last five months (since I outshrunk my old one and had to get rid of it…not that I actually ever wore my old one, I just had it so that I created the illusion for others that I would sometimes actually wear it — never…or so if someone asked “Did you bring your bathing suit?” I could be all like “Oh, shoot (false disappointment always adds a dash of realism to the lie) I forgot it at home, damn, bummer, I’m really missing out (further false disappointment to further add to the realism of the lie)”. Not. To anyone who has ever heard me say this, I’m sorry, please forgive me, but I was most likely LYING TO YOUR FACE. Bad Amber. Insecure Amber. Not who I am any more.
One excuse at a time I have managed to wiggle my way out of just about any activity that involved me wearing a living-nightmare suit or being seen naked/half naked in front of anyone other than M. But the jig is up, and he called me on it, and as punishment for my months of stealth living-nightmare-suit-wearing-avoidance he forced me to go shopping for one…and it had to be one he approved of on me, which I knew could only mean two things — literally, TWO THINGS, one that goes on the top of you and one that goes on the bottom of you.
Dum dum duuuuum…
TWO PIECE. OMG. NO. Please no!!!!!!!!
I tried to convince M to let me get the baggy black living-nightmare suit with a pair of shorts, but he actually got slightly annoyed with me for my unrelenting two-piece resistance (I worked hard at being cute about said baggy black living-nightmare suit, but it was futile). We came to a compromise with a two piece that consisted of a top which was full tank style and bottoms that covered as much of my arse as possible but was still cute with little ties and bows on the side. I put it on in the change room and shuddered when entertaining the idea I was going to be expected to show THAT MUCH SKIN in public at some far-too-close-for-comfort moment in the future — but I went ahead and let the man buy me the two piece living-nightmare suit. And I’m graeteful, I really am! Now it is sitting in the top drawer of my dresser with the tags still on INTIMIDATING ME DAILY. Am I being dramatic? Maybe a little, but seriously, I don’t think I’ve worn a living-nightmare suit to a public pool since I was like three years old, at which point having chubby thighs is adorable, so it was a win for me.
Which leads me to the real purpose of this post. I want to publically announce that I AM going to concur my fear. I am going to let go of my insercurities. I am going to accept the parts of me that are beautiful and the parts of me that are imperfect. I am not going to be afraid of the judgement of others. I am going to go wear a two piece living-nightmare suit to the public pool with M, and I am going to be okay. 🙂
Also…I am going to post a picture of myself in said two-piece living-nightmare suit once I have accomplished this HUGE personal feat.
Yep, yep, yep. No time like the present….or so they say.