Amber — Meet them at the door…

Well…here I am.  🙂

It’s been over a week now since I’ve posted.  I felt I needed a break in order to direct my energy into taking care of my health and preparing for the changes happening in my life…they feel gigantic, for some reason.

Yesterday I moved out of the  lovely little apartment I was living in with My Roommate and My Favorite Five-Year-Old Boy and Edenoushka (my nickname for My Roomates daughter, Eden).  This little family has been my lifeline, my joy, my comfort for the last five months or so.  My Roommate, who I’m now going to rename My Female Soul Mate (haha!!) allowed me to move myself and my belongings into her home while I was transient and broke and really didn’t have many options.  I was struggling through a frustrating separation, on the heels of a divorce…my life was changing drastically and quickly (too quickly!), and MFSM and her two children were that soft place to land that I so desperately needed.  The answer to prays.  The proof that grace is alive in the world.  I’m just…grateful, so very very grateful that I got to live with them for a season…and will journey with them for life, I’m certain.

Now I am condo/catsitting  in the West End of Vancouver for an entire month.  I am located very close to the ocean and the Vancouver Seawall. YAY!  It’s the first time I’ve lived alone in over a year.  It’s the first time I’ve actually been able to sleep in a BED in over a year!  That’s a crazy realization!  I’ve literally been sleeping on couches for over 365 days!  Wow.  Low point!  Well, not really, I’m actually fine and dandy in spite of that, thank you very much!  Anyway, it’s a good season for me to have space and alone time to reflect, refocus, and work on shedding that final layer of old skin that needs to come off.

I’ve been embracing all parts of myself , allowing each emotion, each reality, each memory to just exist, be recognized, and stay or leave, depending on whether it serves me or not.  And…I’ve been letting go…of so much.  Old habits. Old beliefs.  Old thought patterns.  OLD CLOTHES!  That’s right…I gave away 70% of my wardrobe, you know why????

I HAVE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT THAT MY CLOTHES NO LONGER FIT ME.

Let me repeat that just so I actually believe it myself.

I. HAVE. LOST. SO. MUCH. WEIGHT. THAT. MY.CLOTHES. NO. LONGER. FIT. ME.

A couple weeks ago when I was in the 180 range, I started to hear comments about how my clothes were too roomy, and as My Big Sister so tactfully put it, that I had “saggy butt syndrome”.  I knew that it was time to accept that my body had indeed changed and go back to VV Boutique for yet another round of shopping, but I have to admit I hesitated for a couple of weeks. The hesitation came from some residual doubt hiding in the back corner of my brain that was having a hard time believing I was REALLY DOING THIS weight loss thing and that I would REALLY REACH MY GOALS this time without gaining the weight back.  But this week I looked that doubt straight in the eyes and I said, “Listen, sista, when I started THIS journey, I took the NO GOING BACK road, and there ain’t no going back, so just ACCEPT IT AND MOVE ON!”.  And…with a shrug of the shoulders and a sigh, she did accept it.  Finally.

And it’s the absolute truth, you know.  I am on a NO GOING BACK road.  I have changed the way I live, the way I eat, the way I think, the way I believe, and that is what is bringing me success.  My choices, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, etc etc, are changing me, and I’m moving in the direction that I’ve wanted to go for so long but previously did have the presence of mind and spirit to achieve.  It’s amazing how everything starts working together and then one day *BAM*, you take a deep breath and the struggle is over.  You have changed.  You are at peace with that change.  And…there is no going back.  🙂

One of the most significant changes in the past couple of weeks has been the addition of hot yoga to my life.  I kid you not, it is changing my body faster than any exercise I have EVER tried.  I am now 175 lb, my hourglass figure is taking centre stage, I fit a size 10 pants, and I feel like I am 8 years old running through the forest.  Seriously!  So free…so healthy…so alive.  I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!

I am so overwhelmed with how awesome yoga is that I am going to dedicate an entire post to it very soon, in which I will describe to you how it has literally transformed my mind and body in just a couple of weeks.  Trust me, you’re gonna want to read it…and after you read it you’re gonna want to try it!!!!

I was just at a yoga class this evening before coming home to write this post.  The teacher was incredibly funny, making some well timed and delivered sex jokes to bring some humor to the practice, getting us all to hold hands and laugh, and ending the session with a group meditation that consisted of singing Paved Paradise in unison.  He believes that laughter is the best medicine…and I agree.  But, more seriously, before the laughing and the singing, he recited a poem by Rumi called The Guesthouse, which I have always loved but have seldom heard.  I resonate strongly with the poem’s meaning, and I hope you will too.  I’ll leave you with this for tonight.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

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One thought on “Amber — Meet them at the door…

  1. Love the picture – so serene! 😀 Congratulations on reaching 175!!!! You did it!! 🙂 Now keep going! (I know you will)

    Secondly. Wow! Amber, every time I read one of your posts I feel intellectually charged and I feel like I’m looking into a tornado of human emotion, except that each emotion is quietly suspended until it is put in its proper order. You have a way of ordering your life, which makes perfect sense. Not higgledy-piggledy, but dealing with life as it comes instead of rushing past it and going on to the next thing looking to solve the past. You have a strong grasp on the importance of what is at stake. That said, I wish we could talk more, but life is crazy on both ends I know. Have fun DT… don’t pass out east of Princess Street.. and enjoy the solitude!

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